My family can be particularly funny, as I'm sure many families can. Here are some highlights from this weekend's family Christmas.
One of my uncles: "Without cats, there would be no Internet."
My cousin came through the rec room with a cookie, Elka hot on her trail. My grandfather asked "What is that, a cookie? You're not going to give that to her, are you?" My cousin said "No." He said "Good, you shouldn't. I'm an old man, though, and don't know what's going on."
A little later, my aunt came through the rec room with a piece of leftover ham. Elka's nose caught the ham currents on the air, and she zeroed in and sat down in front of said aunt, staring intently. When no ham seemed forthcoming, she showed off her begging trick, which is throwing her left paw into the air to "Testify". My aunt's eyes got big, and she said "What was that?" I said "Oh, she just loves Jesus. Elka, are you full of the Holy Spirit?" and Elka threw her paw in the air again. Then each aunt and uncle got called in to see the testifying Doberman, so I threw in a "Pray with me" (I hold out both hands and she puts her paws in them) for good measure. My other aunt laughed and said "Oh, we're all going to hell."
One of my aunts: "well, as it turns out, breasts are meant to move, and you're supposed to touch them."
One of my uncles: "What, we're opening the box of Twinkies? Aren't they worth more intact? Can't we sell them on eBay? That might be the last box of Twinkies in the world. The other ones are in peoples' fallout shelters."
Me: "Yeah, with the Crystal Pepsi."
My uncle: "I think I'll pass on that."
My aunt: "Where did those Twinkies come from?"
My other aunt: "they were a gift for the whole family."
My aunt: "When we celebrate Christmas not on Christmas, I don't know what day it is."
My uncle: "It's Sunday. You know how I know? The church up the block from us had the street all parked up."