Monday, October 28, 2013

Why are you making duck face, Julie?

Coworker 1: I've dreamed about babies two nights in a row.
Coworker 2: Well, let's hope you don't do it a third time, because it'll come true.
Me: Nah, it just means an incubus has been visiting you in your sleep.
Coworker 1: What is wrong with you?

Me: When I'm on, I'm on. When I'm off, I get told jokes are for other people.

While eating jelly beans:

Fiancè: Wow, mixing flavors is always a bad idea.
Friend: It's a party in your mouth and everybody is throwing up?
Fiancè: I can taste purple and aftershave.
Friend: Ralph Loren has a new
Me: Jellybean?
Friend: If there was a Polo jellybean, I'd do it.
Me: Of course you would.
Friend: Well, I had an incident once with Polo. I got some on my hands and then my hands got
Me: Your hand got in your mouth?
Friend: If it gets near my mouth, it goes in. But it was kind of peppery.

Me: So, I'm worried. You haven't said "What is wrong with you" for awhile. Not today certainly. Maybe not since last week.
Coworker: I guess I'm just used to everything.
Me: Oh, so I need to up the ante?
Coworker: I guess.
Me: Did you know that the raccoon penis actually has a bone in it?
Coworker: Why do you know that?
Me: Well, you can buy them on Etsy.
Coworker: What...why..what were you even searching that you found that out? What is wrong with you?
Me: I saw a snake vertebrae necklace once so I wanted to see what else was out there. There's a lot of taxidermied stuff on Etsy.
Coworker:  ....

Me: I'm not a total spaz, come on. I want examples.
Fiance: Okay. Well there's that time you ran into a concrete pillar while walking. And you punched yourself in the face. And you used to throw your fries on the floor every time we got McDonald's. And your perpetual toe injuries.
Me: Is that it?
Fiancè: You know that's more than normal people have, right?

Me: I just need to put on my jewelry, and I'll be ready to go.
Fiancè: Who's Julie and why are you talking to me like that?
Me: Jewelry. My jewelry.
Fiancè: Oh, okay. I'll be on the porch. Julie.
*call each other Julie for the rest of the day*
Fiancè: What is wrong with us?


  1. You can call me Julie, just don't call me late for dinner. (Yeah, I know. Old and moldy.)

    1. Or oldie but goodie? I don't still applies sometimes!

  2. It's 7:48 am right now and what a good laugh for first thing Monday morning. Fortunately didn't have any coffee in my mouth. I've been known to snort it out my nose and that hurts!

    1. Hey, that Monday pick-me-up can be important! I'm glad you avoid coffee snarfing, however.

  3. HAHAHAH...that is awesome. I am gonna have to look up that racoon penis thingy