Friday, January 17, 2014

Veiled threats

Me: Look, crime scene pillows!
Fiancè: We can just make our own, honey.

Friend: Don't knock it until you've tried it. Well I guess you can knock it a little.
Me: I'll knock is as much as I want. You're not my real mom.
Friend:...I...I can't even handle this....

Fiancè: Portobello burger. Stop making that face, it's good. Keep making that face and I'll rub it all over you.
Me: If you rub that on me I'll throw up on you and that'll be worse than whatever face I'm making.
Fiancè: That's debatable.

Coworker: So I was watching this show on Netflix with two Dobermans in it named Zeus and Apollo...
Me: Was it Magnum, P.I.
Coworker: How did you know?!
Me: What do you  mean, how did I know? I have a Doberman. I've got a dog blog because nobody wanted to talk about dogs anymore. Of course I know a show with Dobermans in it.
Coworker: Okay, so really, I was maybe embarrassed to admit I was watching Magnum P.I.....

Me: So I read this neat article the other day about why creative people do not, in fact, make any sense.
Coworker: I'd believe that. I have no idea what you're talking about 90% of the time.

Me: Stop or I'm going to shake up the dog and throw her at you.
Fiancè: I don't think you can throw Elka.
Me: Well, I can, just not very far. I'd have to stand behind you and do it.
Fiancè: I don't think Elka would go along with this.
Me: She wouldn't know until she left my arms.
Fiancè: She'd never forgive you. Never forget.
Me: She'd forget. I'd give her bacon.
Fiancè: that's the reset button for you, not for Elka.

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