Housemate: So watcha doing?
Friend: I was playing a TV show in my head, if you must know.
Friend: Do I smell peanut butter?
Fiancè: No, you're having a stroke?
Me: I gave the dog a Kong.
Friend: Oh. I might not mind a stroke if you just smelled peanut butter all the time.
Fiancè (while playing WoW): Your mother dresses you funny, Garrosh. You got picked on in the middle school playground, Garrosh.
Me: YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL, GARROSH
Housemate: .....well that escalated quickly
Fiancè: How'd you cut yourself?
Me: As the other ladies and I were walking out of work, a knife wielding maniac came into the library. I figured I don't use my left hand much, so I sacrificed it and took him out.
Fiancè: What? No, you shoot a knife wielding maniac.
Me: Well we don't have guns at the library. Anyway, I might be on the news and everything.
Fiancè: So what did you really do?
Me: Cut myself with a pair of scissors.
Fiancè: WHAT?! Were you running with them at the time?
Me: No, but do you see why I liked the other story better?