Me: That baby sounds like a coyote. Or wait, no, a fox!
Coworker: I don't know what a fox sounds like.
Coworker: .....okay, I walked into that.
Library Patron: I like your announcement, you're very professional. You don't really have that soothing, fall-asleep-to-it tone of voice quite, though.
Me: Oh, it's not meant to be soothing.
Me: I don't typically like book covers. Like if they have people on them? I don't really like that.
Fiancè: That's....really weird.
Coworker: Yeah, you're totally Tyler Durden, aren't you?
Me: I want you to hit me as hard as you can.
Fiancè: I need pants.
Housemate: That might help.
Fiancè: Couldn't hurt.
Me: Every day, five thousand children are hurt by pants. Be part of the solution. Not the problem.
Fiancè, looking to the dog: Elka, kill her.
Me: In the arrrrms of the angelllll......
Coworker: You know, if you're interested in going into the military working dog program, they've got an upper age limit and you're running out of time pleasedon'tkillme.
Friend: I scared her with my bellybutton
Me: If the dog ends up on my laptop, I'm gonna stab you.
Friend: That smile says yes. I'm gonna go over here now.